there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Randomize
