he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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