3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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