I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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