Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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