Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
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