Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
