I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
