Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
