Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
