he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
