I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
