My hand turned me down
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
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