Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
