They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
send nudes
from the living room?
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
