I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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