I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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