I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
