She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
My vagina just recognized that song.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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