Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Randomize
