Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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