I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Randomize
