So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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