70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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