I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
