Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Randomize
