I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
