im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Randomize
