i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
