Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Randomize
