Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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