we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
