I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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