We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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