There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
the condom got lost in my hair
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Randomize
