I wish my penis had an off switch
I'm eating all of the evidence.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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