im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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