So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
i barfeds in our rink
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
