ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
