Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Randomize
