I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
