i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
there was a trapeze. enough said
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
