You're completely useless in the revolution.
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
