When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Randomize
