it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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