Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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