I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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