You made me cry and you don't even care
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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