I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
