So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Randomize
