Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
