tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
